Read, Pray, Love

She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up. - Rodney Dangerfield

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. - W.C. Fields

My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear. - Rodney Dangerfield

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. - Franklin P. Jones

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday. - George Burns

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? - Lily Tomlin

Funny how just when you think life can't possibly get any worse it suddenly does. - Douglas Noel Adams

The behavior of any bureaucratic organization can best be understood by assuming that it is controlled by a secret cabal of its enemies. - Robert Conquest

Painting, n.: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and exposing them to the critic. - Ambrose Bierce

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together. - Oprah Winfrey

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers. - Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. - Emo Philips

I bought a perfect second car ... a tow truck. - Rodney Dangerfield

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. - Groucho Marx

I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time. - Charles M. Schulz

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. - Steven Wright

She looked at my calendar and wanted to know who JUNE was. - Rodney Dangerfield

Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive. - Rodney Dangerfield

You are graduating from college. That means that this is the first day of the last day of your life. No, that's wrong. This is the last day of the first day of school. Nope, that's worse. This is a day. - Andy Samberg

What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement? - Fred Allen